Cerebral Fallacy

When I walk beside her
i am the better man
when I look to leave her
I always stagger back again
once I built an ivory tower
so I could worship from above
and when I climbed down to be set free
she took me in again

there’s a big
a big hard sun
beatin’ on the big people
in the big hard world

when she comes to greet me
she is mercy at my feet
when I see her pin her charm
she just throws it back again
once I sought an early grave
to find a better land
she just smiled and laughed at me
and took her blues back again

there’s a big
a big hard sun
beatin’ on the big people
in the big hard world

there’s a big
a big hard sun
beatin’ on the big people
in the big hard world

when I go to cross that river
she is comfort by my side
when I try to understand
she just opens up her eyes

there’s a big
a big hard sun
beatin’ on the big people
in the big hard world

once I stood to lose her
when I saw what I had done
bound down and flew away the hours
of her garden and her sun
so I tried to warn her
i’ll turn to see her weep
40 days and 40 nights
and it’s still coming down on me

there’s a big
a big hard sun
beatin’ on the big people
in the big hard world

there’s a big
a big hard sun
beatin’ on the big people
in the big hard world

there’s a big
a big hard sun
beatin’ on the big people
in the big hard world

there’s a big
a big hard sun
beatin’ on the big people
in the big hard world

Jealousy is the theme of the month. Possibly the rest of the year, even longer. By disguising very specific problems as general angst for goals not achieved, by claiming that my life sucks, and wanting every reason for it to end soon, I seem to have found a great way to indulge in self pity. Masturbatory as this is, I also seem to be getting copius attention from loved ones, all numbering less than the fingers in a Pantera-fist-in-the-face. I have the cheek to actually dismiss some of this support as needless and screaming at them for offering it. Perhaps I do need to get over this, smile at those few and forget about this crap.

Yeah right. I know what I am – insecure, short tempered, self indulgent and the list only gets worse. It’s easier to feel this rage, all this suffocation feels oddly welcome. I’ve denied the BS in my life for far too long. I want to feel this way, scream till my throat hurts, punch the wall till my knuckles bleed. I’m sorry I’m this way now but that is how it is. I won’t turn into an alcoholic wreck, sociopath or end my life. Nope, in fact, I’ll keep going the way I usually do – fast, loud and terribly obnoxious. But in the privacy of my 4 walls, let me feel the rage. 

I must apologize. For being guilty of all that I find annoying.